People Watching: Top 10 Gym Species

Generally speaking, I enjoy "people watching." It's especially fun at airports, sporting events,  and other places where you're part of a large, diverse group. The gym & the "necessary evil" of the locker room are places where it's less fun. However, here are the Top 10 species I've identified from my observations.


Old Naked Guy: this is almost exclusively one of our beloved senior citizens. Always in the nude. Usually has one leg up on the bench as he attempts to engage you in small talk, takin' his sweeeeeeetass time. Seriously, don't you own a towel??

The Over-Talker: terrifyingly known to double as Old Naked Guy at times, this is the guy you just can't have a short conversation with in the locker room. Extremely hard to shake. This isn't a toga party, man, I have places to go!

Gym Rat: these are the people who either live at the gym or are somehow on the exact same schedule as you. Whether I'm swimming at 6AM or 8PM, there are 3-4 people I always see. It's uncanny.

Teenagers: Did we ever behave like this? Really? The immaturity is appalling... guess I'm just getting old. Boy, I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

The Manatee: Not known to do anything active at the gym. Similar to the Loch Ness Monster, at times you can catch a glimpse of them floating in the hot tub or lounging behind a steam-filled sauna door.

Private Ryan: the opposite of Nature Boy, this is the guy who clearly never played organized sports. Toes behind a curtain is the most I've observed of this species. I'm not complaining... maybe there should be more Private Ryans among us.

Avoid Eye Contact at All Cost: from my personal experience this is either A) a gangbanger (check out his back tats in the shower at your own risk) or B) someone with a clear mental illness. There's this one guy who constantly mutters threatening obscenities at no one in particular... upon realizing it was just him and me alone one time, I may or may not have hid behind some lockers until he left. I feel bad for him, but he's a scary dude!

Brotein Shake & Brotato Chip:

SWAG Daddy: I belong to a public rec center. It's a nice facility, and has an amazing pool, but it's not exactly a country club. That said, SWAG Daddy takes delight in making the most of the amenities, as limited as they are. My first observation with this species is always that they're using up at least 50% of the soap/shampoo in the dispensers. As I'm about to leave, I realize he must have gobbled up at least 50% of the hot water in the joint... he's full on shaving in the shower at this point and there's no end in sight. When he does finally emerge, he's often spotted with his head directly under the automatic hand dryer thing.

Too Close For Comfort Guy: this is the guy who either A) inexplicably chooses the shower next to you when there are several alternatives or B) insists on getting his stuff out of the locker next to you while you're mid-change.